Saturday, 14 April 2018

The Pointless, Plotless Book

The following is an excerpt from my forthcoming work, The Pointless, Plotless Book. (I don't kid myself that it will come in anywhere close to first; hence it is forth coming.) It is so named because it has no plot and there is no point to it. I get tired of hearing how writing is supposed to be done and presented. This rambling writing is a sneak peek inside what happens in my brain.

The Pointless, Plotless Book


“Get out,” she screamed. “You’ll never understand me. We’ll never work it out. You’re just a high school student and I’m a calculus equation.”
Oh, that’s dreadful.
What?
You can’t start a book with dialogue. It’s just not done.
Okay, how about this:
Dense fog engulfed his heart, mired in the miasma of her blackened love.
No, no. That won’t do either. Never start a novel with a weather report. Use more description. Evoke more emotion. Watch your use of grammar. Sit up straight. Eat your vegetables.
Does it need more life?
You can put as much life into it as you like. It’s up to your editor to suck all the life out of your writing.
He glanced at the watch on his wrist. “Goodness, is that the time?”
“Yes,” Goodness replied. “What? You’ve got a watch and you can’t tell time? What a shmoe you are.”
How long is this book?
About six inches. I’ve heard that’s about average.
Don’t believe everything you hear.
Oh, like women arriving and that sort of thing.
With a face like yours, you’re lucky your mail arrives. Exactly. Pure deception.
Like a politician’s promises.
Now you’re getting it.
Yes, I’ve had it.
When?
Last Tuesday, I think, but my memory may be playing tricks.
Better it should play tricks than turn them. What about characters? You can’t have a riveting read without memorable characters.
I was thinking about including celebrities like Richard Burton, Richard Attenborough, and Richard Gere.
Then it would be the Big Book of Dicks. Those have all passed on.
That would make it the Big Book of Dead Dicks then.  Now it seems like a limp idea.
It would be hard to pull off. Although the names you mentioned were all pretty big in their day. The Book of Big Dicks would probably sell.
How about an archaeologist’s search for the Omega Phallus? That would be big.
You mean like ‘Indiana Jones and the Schlong of God’?
Any more knob gags and I’ll have to put a big warning label on this book.
Make sure it really sticks out so people will notice it.
Warning! This book contains words; words that your mind may inadvertently twist in a perverted manner.
I was thinking more along the lines of ‘may contain nuts’.