Saturday, 9 July 2016

Cat Customs

We have two cats. One is older than the other and thus it falls to her to pass on the customs and practices of the cat world. The following is one I can do without. I'm sure other cat owners can relate.

Cat 1: Get him up.

Cat 2: Why me?

Cat 1: Because you’re hungry, right?

Cat 2: Yeah, I guess.

Cat 1: Right. Then get him up.

Cat 2: Dad. Dad.

Cat 1: No, no. That’ll never get him up. Jump on the bed.

Cat 2: Then what?

Cat 1: Make sure he’s still breathing. Check his breath.

Cat 2: How?

Cat 1: Stick your nose up to his lips. Make sure you lick your nose first so it’s good ‘n wet.

Cat 2: He flinched. Guess he’s still alive.

Cat 1: Not much reaction, though. Go to phase two.

Cat 2: What’s that?

Cat 1: Head butt him.

Cat 2: Okay. A bit more of a reaction, but still no movement.

Cat 1: Maybe you hit him too hard. Okay, time for phase three.

Cat 2: Which is?

Cat 1: Sit on his face.

Cat 2: Won’t that make him mad?

Cat 1: He never gets mad at Mom when she does it. And she’s a lot bigger than you.

Cat 2: He rolled over. Now what?

Cat 1: Go nudge Mom.

Cat 2: Why? Mom just rolls over and goes back to sleep.

Cat 1: Yeah, but when she rolls over she’ll elbow or knee Dad and he’ll move onto his back again.

Cat 2: Gotcha. Hey, it worked!

Cat 1: Told ya.

Cat 2: Now what?

Cat 1: Now I’ll join you so we can do “The Dance” in unison.

Cat 2: Ah, good plan.

Cat 1: Ready?

Cat 2: Yep.

Cat 1: Here we go - aim for just below his stomach -

Cat 1 & Cat 2: Bladder Dance! We’re dancing on Dad’s bladder! Get up now and feed us or we’ll make you wee the bed!

Me: I’m up. I’m up. Hey, where did you two go?

Cat 1: (innocently licking a forearm) Oh, hi Dad. Are you up?

Cat 2: (appearing from the other room) Hey, Dad’s up. Hi Dad. Love you Dad. How ‘bout some food?