Tuesday, 30 June 2015

CSI: Cat Scene Investigations

There are two cats in our household. Notice I said, ‘there are two cats’, not ‘we have two cats’, or ‘we own two cats’. No one ‘owns’ a cat. You may be a cat’s human, but no cat is ‘your cat’.

These two fuzznicks rarely get along. One is fine with the other, but the other would prefer that the first one didn’t exist in her world. The one time they do co-operate is when it comes to crimes perpetrated within the house. The following is an account of one such incident.

Me: Who knocked over this plant?

Both cats: It wasn’t us.

Me: Oh no? You two were the only ones home.

Cat 1: Maybe it was the wind.

Cat 2: Yeah, the wind. (Turning to Cat 1) The wind whooshing out your arse.

Cat 1: (To Cat 2) Shhhh (mumbling) Not as strong as the wind whistling between your ears.

Me: The windows are closed, so it couldn’t have been the wind.

Cat 1: It was the invisible Mexican ninja dog.

Me: What invisible Mexican ninja dog?

Cat 1: The one who busts into homes and kicks over plants. He’s from Mars and his mission is to destroy all plant life.

Me: A Mexican Martian invisible ninja dog? Really.

Cat 1: Yep. Are there any plants on Mars?

Me: Not that I’m aware of.

Cat 1: See? He’s already destroyed his own planet’s plants and now he’s come here to do the same to ours.

Me: How do you know the invisible ninja dog is from Mars?

Cat 2: ‘Cause he had a green moustache.

Me: An invisible green moustache?

Cat 2: Yeah.

Me: If he’s invisible, how did you see his green moustache?

Cat 2: Oh. I hadn’t thought of that.

Cat 1: (swiping at Cat 2) Idiot. We’re cats. We can see things hum-mans can’t. That’s how. Out superior eyesight allowed us to view the perpetrator.

Me: You mean the same incredible eyesight that needs a night light after 8 p.m.?

Cat 2: It gets too dark. (voice trails off)

Me: What about the Mexican part?

Cat 2: Oh! I got this one. He was wearing a sombrero.

Me: Of course he was. And he was in ninja garb, too, I suppose. That’s how you could tell he was a ninja.

Cat 1: Nope. It was the throwing stars on his collar that gave him away.

Me: How silly of me.

Cat 1: Yeah. And the way he ninja-kicked over the plant. Does that explain everything to your satisfaction?

Me: Almost. If an invisible Martian Mexican ninja dog knocked over the plant, then where did these cat paw prints in the soil come from?

Both Cats: Look out! The invisible Martian Mexican ninja dog is back!

Me: (turning) Where? Where?

Both Cats: And we’re outta here!

Me: Get back here!

Tuesday, 2 June 2015

Nice Handle-Bar Moustache Facebook

I read an article the other day, written by one of the 'experts' who is good at blowing smoke out their asses, about the decline and fall of Twitter. The message was that Twitter will have to be put down like a cat with distemper. It was a disturbing and wildly inaccurate hypothesis based on spinning numbers.

Twitter must and will survive.

Comparisons are made between the social media networks. Twitter is an inclusive, open society. There is engagement on Twitter. Anyone can get involved. An ordinary person can have a conversation with a celebrity, politician, or other world figure. This is not one-sided. More often than not, the 'celebrity' engaged by the common folk will either respond or at the very least, favourite the tweet. Facebook is an exclusive, closed prison. You must be 'friends' with the people you want to deal with. Post something on a company or group wall (if you have 'liked' or joined that page) and you are not likely to receive a response.

Twitter gives friendly notices that someone has mentioned you. Facebook may or may not tell you and when they do they beat you to death with notices on your home page and via email. Facebook is like that whiny kid who always talks about themselves and wants everyone to pay attention to them exclusively. "You haven't been around in the past 24 hours. Do you like my shoes?" *sniffle *sniffle *whine *whine

'Promoted Tweets' aren't nearly as intrusive as Facebook's splattering of ads all up and down both sidebars and in the news feed.

Unlike Facebook, Twitter doesn't change its policies every time a dog farts.

On Twitter, the content you post is yours. On Facebook, anything you post belongs to them and they will do with it as they please.

Both have great numbers of duplicate accounts. On Facebook that's because once you sign up you can never leave. On Twitter it's because people have personal accounts and business accounts. The level of engagement actually goes up with these duplicate accounts because it's easier for people to find each other.

Facebook mines data like a toothless prospector down to his last dime and sells those nuggets to governments and corporations. Twitter takes a mild interest in what their users are doing.

Twitter is the good, friendly guy. Facebook is the conniving, manipulative guy. Twitter is involved with the Open Source community. Facebook wants everything to be proprietary.

Watch out! Soon Facebook will be tying you to the railroad tracks and demanding you sign over your mortgage.